Goodbye to Romance
by The Rev
Summary: *songfic* Ever wonder exactly why Goku decided to stay dead after the Cell games? A little look into our hero's mind...


__

Yesterday has been and gone

Tomorrow will I find the sun 

Or will it rain?

Everybody's having fun

Except me, I'm the lonely one

I live in shame.

Son Goku, now as immaterial as the air, looked with eyes that were uncharacteristically sad across the field in front of his house, where he had trained for so many years. And the house itself, where everything else, his entire life that mattered, had occurred. 

He was dead now. He had sacrificed himself to be sure that Cell killed no one else. 

When he thought of that, it stung. Always before, he had protected those he loved. He had died to save them before, and now he had done it again. 

But what did that matter when the thing that put them all in danger was there because of him?

Everything that had menaced the earth since Radditz, they had all been here for one sole reason. To destroy him. Vegeta and Nappa had wanted the dragonballs, but also to avenge their fallen comrade. And if Radditz had never come looking for Goku, how would Vegeta and Nappa have found out about the dragonballs in the first place?

Then had come Frieza. For revenge, on him. If it hadn't been for Trunks, his family and friends could have been killed. Because he had not killed Frieza. He had given the tyrant the last bit of energy he needed, the energy that had undoubtedly allowed him to survive the blast of the exploding planet.

Then the androids. They had come, built by Dr. Gero, to avenge the grudge the doctor held against him. More death, because he had made the wrong decision in the past. Yamucha had almost died, and so had a good many others. And at the crucial moment, when it came time to save the day, the heart virus had struck him down, leaving Vegeta to do what he had, for once, not been able to.

Perhaps the last had been the worst. His overconfidence in his son's abilities. He had trained Gohan to reach his full potential. He knew that he alone would never be able to beat Cell (another one who came because of him), so he had sent his son. And Gohan… Gohan had almost not been able to do it.

__

Do you remember? some sarcastic and mean internal voice asked him. _Do you remember how it felt, knowing that you had sent your son to die? Knowing that you had put to much faith in his power, and now he was going to die when it should have been YOU!?_

He remembered. The most horrible realization of his life. He had seen Cell crushing his son, bones beginning to crack. Gohan had been screaming. Wondering why his father was just standing by, watching him die.

And if Cell hadn't been so intent on seeing Gohan's power that he had let him go, Gohan _would _have died, at that moment. Only a monster's bloated ego had saved him, his son, and the world from certain destruction. 

And by the time he had realized his error, it was too late. He was nearly dead with fatigue, and Cell had the senzu beans.

Gohan had finally exploded, of course. Just as Goku knew he would, when he was pressed to the very edge of his sanity. And for a while, Gohan had seemed insane. Goku hadn't known the full fury of his son's power, nor had he known what that power would do to Gohan. 

He hadn't known his son. He had told him, screamed at him to kill Cell, finish him off for good, before it was too late. 

And Gohan had looked at him with eyes older than his, and smiled in a way he never had before. That smile was filled with hatred, malice, and as much as Goku would have liked to deny it, there had been laughter of the most cruel sort in those eyes as well. 

And Gohan had said, "No. no, I think I'll let him suffer for a while. He hasn't felt enough pain."

At that moment, he had known the gravity of his error. And he had seen in his mind, himself, Gohan, ChiChi, and all the others he cared for, now dead because he had made another mistake.

No more.

He wasn't coming back this time.

__

I say hey,

Goodbye to romance.

Goodbye to friends.

Goodbye to all the past.

I guess that we'll meet,

We'll meet in the end.

It would be a release of sorts, as well. No more trying to save everyone, no more having to worry about whether his friends were going to die because he couldn't save them.

He had proven to himself now that he hurt more than he helped. He felt the pain and the guilt for each and every one of the disasters he had caused, and only barely managed to turn away in time. He felt a stab in his heart every time he thought of Piccolo dying for Gohan because he wasn't there, every time he saw Frieza killing Krillin in his mind, every time he saw his son's eyes alight with that horrible power and hatred.

Now he wouldn't have to feel guilty anymore. And the others wouldn't be hurt anymore.

__

I've been the king I've been the clown

Now broken wings can't hold me down

I'm free again

The jester with the broken crown

It won't be me this time around

To love in vain

He looked at his house for the last time, longingly, but without regret. He felt that this was right, even though he would miss his friends so much, and his family even more. It already ached inside him, but his resolve was too great.

__

Goku, a soft but insistent telepathic voice said, the voice of Kaio-sama, _it's time to go._

"Okay." He said, sighing heavily. The sigh shook a bit at the end, and one tear, single and strange for a ghost, slid silently down his cheek.

"Goodbye, you guys. I'll see you all again, in time." He said. Then he slowly floated upward, his image fading away, until there was nothing left to see but blue sky.

__

I say hey,

Goodbye to romance

Goodbye to friends

Goodbye to all the past.

I guess that we'll meet

We'll meet in the end. 


End file.
